In which kait is a terrible person and no one believes her. 

Kait, the author of this journal and the one forming these letters into words, is a terrible person. Patric, the voice she hears says so, her brain says so, her gut feeling says so… Why shouldn’t she believe it?
Because no on else does. Literally no one. Not her boyfriend, not her parents, not her friends. And thats all who matter, truly. 
She has to start believing she isn’t a terrible person, and it will be hard. But I think I can do it. 

I’m neural divergent, and it sucks

I don’t suggest getting a mental illness. At all. Not that you can help it, but y’know, I still don’t suggest it.
I gain weight at unhealthy rates. I feel melancholy more than I need to. I feel tired and exhausted at the mere thought of being with some people. Any slightly negative thing said against me is internalized and worked over in my brain until I wholly believe it, entirely engraned in my thinking.

I try my best to handle these symptoms, but the weight gain is hard when you don’t have energy and the getting energy is hard when you believe you don’t deserve anything.

Its just bad. Its bad and I hate it.

And probably the worst part is neurotypicals telling you all these other treatments you can try.

“Eat healthier!” I get suicidal thoughts if I work too much. Not enough money.

“Go to bed at regular hours!” So me already going to bed around 9-10PM isn’t enough?

“Wake up earlier!” You try that, see how it affects you.

“Think happy thoughts!” Thanks. Real helpful.

“Just try harder!” What do you think I’m doing? If your anwser is not ‘my best,’ you’re wrong.

I was talking to a friend who, like me, has a slew of mental health issues. She told me about one day how she just sat, fully clothed, in the tub. For hours. That was her best that day.

Our best differs from day to day. One day we may be able to get up and pretend to have a normal life as if we actually had one.

Other days, we can barely feed ourselves.

Its not pleasant. Just remember that. Its not plesant and you may not be helping, no matter how good your intentions are.

Great googly moogly its all gone to shit!

Life with depression is so weird. One moment your fine the next your wanting to swallow all the pills in the building. 
I wont, I dont think. Hopefully. I am feeling better now, but the thought is there. 
And the pills. 
And the voice. 
Shut up patric no one likes you and before you say that right back to me 
I know. I know its not true but as hard as I try I can’t think of anything to combat the statement. 
I think I need to go to the hospital

Weighted blanket woes

Mother and I are trying to make a weighted blanket for me. We’re having some issues, though. 
What we did is got a duvet and made more pockets and funneled the plastic pellets into the pockets, putting painters tape over the holes to keep the pellets in.  Mom tryed to sew the pockets closed, but decided that was “too puddly,” so we’re putting iron on tape over the holes. That seems to be working so far, but it took a few trys to get the right patches or mending tape and heat setting on the iron.  Now we just need to finish ironing on the patches. 
But I’ve laid under its full weight (woth the pockets taped closed) and it feels fantastic. Absolutely wonderful. It was so comfortable. I wasn’t tired before, and I still almost fell asleep. That was for like, 20 minutes. I was scared of sleeping a full night under it, it only being taped close. 
If you have issues with restless sleep, I would fully recommend a weighted blanket. It is a bit of an investment, either with time to make it or money to get a pre made one. But for those twenty minutes, I was at peace. 
It was a nice feeling. 

50 things ’bout me

1. I’m kait.
2. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and psychosis
3. I do belive some personality disorders, as well????
4. I live in Canada
5. My favourite genre of music is Mellow. Chilled out. Sleepy times go bedie bys.
6. My favourite food is susho, but particularly spicy crab sushi.
7. Spicy stuff! I love spucy stuff!
8. Especially things like beef jerky.
9. Summer sausage is another favourite of mine.
10. Oh man food in general.
11. I love the fall
12. when its plesant and colourful and cozy. Just when the leaves are changing colours and the wind gets colder.
13. Also when its dark and scary, dead trees and early nights, with the promise of snow around the corner, but none yet.
14. If I had to choose, though, I’d go with the scary Autumn.
15. HALLOWEEN IS BEST HOLIDAY.
16. I believe there should be a holiday on November first, because halloween.
17. I have a lot of favourite things.
18. Like when birds nests are in strange places!
19. The best place I’ve seen a birds nest is INSIDE a lamp post.
20. Well, I’ve never seen it, but the birds inside chirp quite loudly.
21. I have three tattoos.
22. I like the meaning behind my moon tattoo the best.
23. But I like the looks of my Jackalope tattoo best.
24. The other tattoo is Finding Nemo inspired.
25. I own a briefcase!
26. (I got it second hand.)
27. My favourite shops are new to you shops.
28. So many treasures are found at second hand shops! The thrifty projects I’ve done!
29. I like the rockabilly style for fashion.
30. other fashions I like are punk, beach babe and flower child.
31. I want to make my own rockabilly dress.
32. I almost own a weighted blanket.
33. My mommy is making it for me.
34. I dont want kids, but maybe in the future.
35. Maybe I’m born with it…
36. I suck at make up.
37. Like, really.
38. I have a friend who is a makeup guru.
39. I’m almost jealous of her.
40. I’m sitting in my car writing this.
41. My car is yellow.
42. It has a nemo sticker on the gascap.
43. I’m running out of things to say.
44. I believe most everyone is amazing
45. I believe everyone has the ability to be amazing
46. I believe you are special
47. I believe you will be missed when your gone.
48. I have a pair of earrings with unicorns!
49. I want a unicorn tattoo for my next one.
50. I’m done! See you next time!

Breaking news!

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be this stable for. My pills dont seem to be working, as I’m sure I’ve been taking them. The boyfriend can confirm. Patric, the bitch of a brainmate is back, and I’m feeling more disorganized than my usual normal amount of forgetfulness​. I’m easily overwhelmed at the smallest things. 
That being said, as strange and… Swirling as I feel, I’m still doing pretty well. No real threats of self harm, no not wanting to be here thoughts, and while there is some melancholy feelings, I’ve had worse. Another thing I’ll bring up though is motivatuon to be productive. I start something and want to immediately jump to something else. Its not a nice feeling, as I felt I couldn’t handle a longer session of Dungeons and Dragons, as much as I wanted to keep playing. 
For now, I’ll take my friends advice and level out. Zen, calm, all that good stuff. 

A story about blood, scars and scabs

I have an issue where if I have any bump or dip in my skin, I pick at it until its a scab. And then I’ll pick at the scab, until its a scar. 

I have always been curious if I have dermatillomania, a disorder within the OCD family where you are compelled to pick at your skin. I sometimes do this for stress relief, but mostly its subconscious. 

Either way, its a habit that I need to stop. Sometimes I’m pretty good, and then there are times were I look like I wresled with tiny tigers. 
Any tips?