First ten shuffle songs.

First ten shuffle songs.

I’m going to put my ipod on shuffle. And play the first ten songs. Here we go!

1. Centuries by Fall out Boy
2. The beast of pirates bay by Voltaire
3. You remind me by Nickleback. A song of my childhood.
4. My freeze ray from Dr. Horribles sing Along Blog
5. Jacks Lament, the all american rejects.
6. The story of tonight reprise from Hamilton. Third musical song in a row…
7. Slut like you by P!nk
8. You give love a bad name by Bon Jovi
9. Bang bang… I have no idea whos all in this, other than Niki minaj
10. Basket by Dan Mangan.

Woo. Not that interesting, I must say.

I’m neural divergent, and it sucks

I don’t suggest getting a mental illness. At all. Not that you can help it, but y’know, I still don’t suggest it.
I gain weight at unhealthy rates. I feel melancholy more than I need to. I feel tired and exhausted at the mere thought of being with some people. Any slightly negative thing said against me is internalized and worked over in my brain until I wholly believe it, entirely engraned in my thinking.

I try my best to handle these symptoms, but the weight gain is hard when you don’t have energy and the getting energy is hard when you believe you don’t deserve anything.

Its just bad. Its bad and I hate it.

And probably the worst part is neurotypicals telling you all these other treatments you can try.

“Eat healthier!” I get suicidal thoughts if I work too much. Not enough money.

“Go to bed at regular hours!” So me already going to bed around 9-10PM isn’t enough?

“Wake up earlier!” You try that, see how it affects you.

“Think happy thoughts!” Thanks. Real helpful.

“Just try harder!” What do you think I’m doing? If your anwser is not ‘my best,’ you’re wrong.

I was talking to a friend who, like me, has a slew of mental health issues. She told me about one day how she just sat, fully clothed, in the tub. For hours. That was her best that day.

Our best differs from day to day. One day we may be able to get up and pretend to have a normal life as if we actually had one.

Other days, we can barely feed ourselves.

Its not pleasant. Just remember that. Its not plesant and you may not be helping, no matter how good your intentions are.

Great googly moogly its all gone to shit!

Life with depression is so weird. One moment your fine the next your wanting to swallow all the pills in the building. 
I wont, I dont think. Hopefully. I am feeling better now, but the thought is there. 
And the pills. 
And the voice. 
Shut up patric no one likes you and before you say that right back to me 
I know. I know its not true but as hard as I try I can’t think of anything to combat the statement. 
I think I need to go to the hospital

Weighted blanket woes

Mother and I are trying to make a weighted blanket for me. We’re having some issues, though. 
What we did is got a duvet and made more pockets and funneled the plastic pellets into the pockets, putting painters tape over the holes to keep the pellets in.  Mom tryed to sew the pockets closed, but decided that was “too puddly,” so we’re putting iron on tape over the holes. That seems to be working so far, but it took a few trys to get the right patches or mending tape and heat setting on the iron.  Now we just need to finish ironing on the patches. 
But I’ve laid under its full weight (woth the pockets taped closed) and it feels fantastic. Absolutely wonderful. It was so comfortable. I wasn’t tired before, and I still almost fell asleep. That was for like, 20 minutes. I was scared of sleeping a full night under it, it only being taped close. 
If you have issues with restless sleep, I would fully recommend a weighted blanket. It is a bit of an investment, either with time to make it or money to get a pre made one. But for those twenty minutes, I was at peace. 
It was a nice feeling.